A rich and varied life I've had in medical research
It could have been much better but for dreaded IRBs
An ignorant and a pompous lot, that stop the best research
A researcher called his life his own before the IRBs

When I was just a junior in medical research
I worked hard in th' animal house, on cats and mice and pigs
I slashed and burned and poisoned not once did they complain
O  'twas my delight there wasn't any I A C U C

Then I transferred the skills I'd learned to work on human kind
I ran some simple drug research, or so the patients thought
I'd tell 'em 'just a little prick', and take a pint of blood
O 'twas my delight to sell it right back to the hospital

I had to leave in a bit of a rush and change my specialty.
Cancer research was just the job - the patients never knew;
It saves them much distress, you see, but wise guys disagreed:
O 'tis my delight to clam up tight when quizzed by IRBs.

When gene research was all the rage I jumped in with both feet
I made a lovely monster with two heads and what a brain
But confidentiality prevents me from saying more
Though, that was not the opinion of the local IRB.

I moved my team to the comfort of a private hospital
I had no federal funding and I never tried new drugs
My unconsented surgery trials made me a millionaire
O 'tis my delight to be on a site without an IRB.

But now the Feds are growing teeth just like O P R R
Even the IRB can find my papers on the net
I tried to work in Britain but the medics struck me off
O' tis my dispair, I must declare, the IRBs do work.
The IRBs do work!!!